


Abstruse

by Rocquellan



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Brain screwage, M/M, Rape/Non-con References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-25
Updated: 2011-12-25
Packaged: 2017-10-28 03:27:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/303227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rocquellan/pseuds/Rocquellan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the saiyukianonkinkmeme</p><p>Prompt: Hakkai has a trippy dream or hallucination (enemy yokai induced?), in which he sees his old self as a separate person.</p><p>I'd prefer the encounter to descend into something like hatesex. Self-torture is fun when you can induce it on a separate persona;)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Abstruse

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes are mine. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Hakkai knows the difference between dreams and reality. Knows the peripheral difference between the one that lingers on the edge of his consciousness and the one that is his very existence.

Dreams are tied to the deeper subconscious mind, and often times perpetuate one’s fears or desires. Dreams can make or break a man, twist one’s heart until it either stops beating or force them to acknowledge what’s inside them.

Cho Gonou dreams. Cho Hakkai does not.

 

Where Hakkai stands, there is a thick, opaque fog and white as far as the eyes can see.

The first sign he’s dreaming. He makes no sound and waits patiently for whatever he is to face, because all dreams have a message of some sort to deliver.

Footsteps echo loudly as the image of a man encroaches, shadowy hands ridged at his side. It is a dark, shadowy outline at first, until light slowly bathes over his company, revealing first thin legs garbed in ankle length cream pants and brown, worn leather shoes. Then his face is eventually revealed and Hakkai can feel his eyes—both good eyes—widening a fraction in surprise.

Cho...Gonou?

A face so similar to his but yet so different smiles thinly at him, eyes obscure by light glinting heavily off a pair of clear reading glasses.

“Cho Hakkai.”

Hakkai swallows a lump in his throat. This is a part of his past he hopes would have stayed dead. Cho Gonou is—was him. The past him before Genjyo Sanzo made him reborn, shedding his old skin like a snake.

“Genjyo Sanzo, is it?” Gonou asks while circling him slowly, as if reading his mind while looking at him with scrutinizing eyes. He doesn’t understand why he cannot move, why he is so afraid of Cho Gonou’s appraisal of him. He’s rendered immobile, useless against his former self.

Gonou circles him once, full circle, before stopping right before him, levelling a gaze so cold he fesls it down to his core.

“Genjyo Sanzo; lover, friend. Cho Kanan; lover, sister, friend, family. Except, Kanan was so easily washed away by the bodily fluids of an iridescent monk.”

No, Hakkai breaths firmly even as his heart wavers at the implication. Sanzo could never replace Kanan, but he is becoming lost in the man that gave him a chance at a new beginning. Sanzo’s on his own plane in Hakkai’s heart, never to overlap with Kanan’s.

“No?” Cho Gonou chuckles, face an eerie mask of devoid empathy and barely withheld anger. His shoulders are tense and the hard ridges of his face stands out. Hakkai rarely remember ever sporting such a look as the man before him. That is the same look that born Cho Hakkai, slayer of a thousand youkais.

“You tried to get rid of me, then you locked her memory in a place so deep and dark within your heart I couldn’t even see her, smell her... nor touch her.”

A finger then comes up to trail the ridges of his throat before the entire hand grabs his chin in a bruising grip, forcing him to gaze straight into eyes as green and hard as his own.

“And do you know who I could see, touch and smell, Cho Hakkai?”

Hakkai draws in a deep breath even though Gonou’s fingers dig into the contours of his jaw line...closes over his throat, and he welcomes the pain.

“...that blasphemous monk!”

Is that really the truth? I’m sorry.

Gonou chuckles. A harsh, condescending sound that seem to shake the plane of Hakkai’s dreamscape. Gonou tilts his head to one side, causing his much longer brunet hair to fall over his shoulder and eyes. There is something truly menacing about how he now looks at Hakkai.

“Not sorry enough.” And the punch to the jaw that follows those scathing words has Hakkai seeing stars. His head whips to the side with the force of the hit but he’s still not able to move. There is the coppery taste of blood where an incisor shifts loose and he wonders if all these attributes would be felt outside the dream, once he wakes up. Gonou grabs his jaw again and force him to look into his glasses covered eyes while squeezing so hard he wouldn’t be surprised if his jaw bone breaks.

“Kanan means the world to me and I honestly don’t appreciate you tossing her memory away, Cho Hakkai.”

That’s not true. There’s no way Hakkai could ever throw away the fundamentals of his existence. No matter what, Kanan will always be the only woman—family he knows.

Cho Gonou scoffs. Accusing. “Is that so? Then what is the half demon and the being neither man nor youkai? Didn’t you start regarding them as family some time ago, Cho Hakkai?”

Hakkai watches as a balled fist draws back before connecting solidly with his stomach, eliciting a gasp of pain as bile rise to his throat and all breath leaves him. His vision swims before coming back into focus after he breathes deeply, trying to will the pain away.

“Every time that monk touches you...!” Another hit. “Every time that monk is inside you...!” A crushing blow to his ribs. “Every god-damn time that monk smiles!” Another to his left eye. “...A piece of her slowly chips and ebbs away, Cho Hakkai.”

Hakkai wants to let Gonou know, that deep down, no matter what he says or does, no matter who he sleeps with, no matter who he falls for, Kanan will always have a piece of his heart; irreplaceable and invaluable. She will always be the first love of his life, the one he cannot forget and the one he needs even in death.

Kanan will always be the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end.

Gonou fists the folds of his shirt and looks into his eyes scathingly, snarling as he speaks. “You murdered an entire village for her...you killed a thousand youkai. She was your soul purpose in life. Now, what do you live for, Cho Hakkai? _Who_ do you live for?”

‘...’

Gonou laughs bitterly at his lack of response. It’s not that he doesn’t know the answer, but why is he uncertain about it?

“I’ll show you.” Gonou walks away, disappearing from his line of vision to stand behind him. There is suddenly a pair of hands holding firmly the side of his head, feeding his mind images of what’s in his heart.

He gasps as a picture of Sanzo, kneeling by the river, graceful as he washes his hands projects out of his mind’s eye on to the fog of his consciousness, open and bare for even Gonou to see. Sanzo’s hair as the sun shines down on it is so bright and the man so ethereal he cannot help feeling a swell in his heart, even if it doesn’t show on his face.

Then the picture changes like a mechanical projectile, showing Sanzo on top of him, his eyes closed as he parts his lips and inhale, face covered in a light sheen of sweat while shuddering. Hakkai can feel Sanzo inside him, feel the swell of his heart get bigger at the knowledge that he is the one pleasuring Sanzo and the man likes it. _Wants_ it. Wants _him_.

Then the picture changes again; Sanzo stealing a smile, a rare and invaluable gift especially for him. Sanzo never smiles, at least not willingly and it happens so few and far between he treasures it.

The hand moves from his head and Hakkai breaths deeply, trying to calm his racing heart. Is he really _that_ deep into Sanzo?

“Yes, Cho Hakkai, you’re that deep into him,” Gonou answers contemptuously. “How could you try to forget her?” He now sounds confused and bewildered. “How could you try to kill me?”

I’m sorry, Cho Gonou. I’m truly sorry.

Gonou scoffs. “No you’re not. I’ll turn your pleasure into pain, your dreams into nightmare and your hopes into despair. I want to destroy you Cho Hakkai, the same way you tried to destroy me.”

Hakkai could feel his heart shattering like little shards of glass against cold concrete. It was never his intention to turn his back on Cho Gonou, but he needed that period of his life to end, to move on so he could start anew.

Gonou’s hands slowly start to work the buttons loose on Hakkai’s shirt and the healer waits for the inevitable. Whatever punishment Cho Gonou deems fit he will accept. He has to pay penitence for what he has done. He shudders as he realizes what his other persona has planned. Sharp finger nails suddenly rake over his now naked flesh, leaving small welts and traces of blood in its wake. Then the button on his pants is worked then removed, vanishing until he’s left exposed and open.

“I’ll turn your pleasurable experience with Genjyo Sanzo Houshi into something worth screaming over...literally.”

Hands grab his hips, digging into his flesh and Hakkai waits for the inevitable...

*******Saiyuki*******

“Sanzo! Why is Hakkai in so much pain?” Goku’s fearful voice penetrates Sanzo’s senses while he holds Hakkai’s screaming, trembling body in his arms. The healer grabs at his hair before starting to scream suddenly from his earlier passed out state.

They are currently in the open, on the outskirts of a forest. They’ve been travelling towards a town a few miles away when they were attacked by a youkai using genjutsu, an illusionary attack and unfortunately, Hakkai fell victim.

But no matter how much he tries to keep him still Hakkai’s cries keep getting louder and louder.

“Saru, let’s find that youkai bastard and kick his ass!” Gojyo’s passive aggressive voice suddenly shouts. Passive for Hakkai, aggressive for the soon to be dead youkai.

“Yeah!” the monkey whoops, Nyoi Bo held studiously between his palms. But he gazes worriedly at Hakkai before dashing towards the tree line.

“Take care of him ‘til we get back, monk.” Gojyo’s eyes burn with determination, then he follows suit.

Sanzo wants to follow, but Hakkai would be left in the open and he couldn’t allow that. Hakuryuu ‘kyuu’ madly from above his head, wings flapping frantically as he worries for his master.

“I didn’t mean to, stop...please!” Hakkai screams as sweat forms on his exposed skin and he twists and turns in an effort to run from his nightmare.

“Snap out of it, bastard,” Sanzo growls while slapping Hakkai on the cheek to try and wake him up. Nothing. Hakkai’s nails are now digging into and raking over his flesh and he quickly grabs the green bandana from around his forehead before using it to bind those slender wrists together.

“What are you dreaming about, Hakkai?” Sanzo asks himself while trying to keep the man from hurting him along with himself. He knows that once that youkai bastard is dead Hakkai will be fine. He hopes Gojyo will find and decapitate him, or Goku will bash the guy’s skull in.

“Genjyo Sanzo Houshi.”

Sanzo snarls as the unfamiliar voice reaches his ears. He grabs his gun and quickly turns around, pointing it straight at the forehead of the demon with orange hair and blue eyes. The guy holds his hands up in mock surrender before chuckling.

“Kill me and the famous Sanzo party will be one man down.”

Sanzo’s trigger finger hesitates as Hakkai’s screams grows louder and more violent after those words, proving the bastard right.

“Hand the scripture over and I won’t kill him.”

Sanzo scoffs. “Tch, same fucking story every damn day.”

The unknown youkai frowns. “I, the great Liqin will be the one to finally collect the reward for bringing in the scripture and killing you. Now hand it over!”

Hakkai’s whimpering voice can be heard behind him and Sanzo risks a split second glance over his shoulder at the simpering dragon hunched over his master’s body.

Hakuryuu then flys off.

Sanzo turns back to the youkai. “You won’t get your filthy hands on my property, neither will you kill my _property_. Prepare to die, Asshole.”

After speaking Sanzo lowers his gun and the youkai laughs harshly in triumph.

“I knew you’d see things my way Genjyo Sanzo...” Then he sneers. “...Now bring the scripture here.”

“No.”

Liqin is aghast by that answer. “What did you say?”

“I said your dead, fucker.”

Liqin gets red with anger and stomps his feet. “Fine! Then I’ll kill....”

Suddenly there’s a huge roar behind him and Sanzo smirks as the guy turns around to see Hakuryuu, as big as one of those boulders Lirin likes to throw, with his mouth wide open and sharp fangs bared while his head comes down swiftly to bite him in half. Blood splatters everywhere as the little—now huge—dragon chews on the youkai, whose lower half now falls to the ground, twitching.

“I promised you dinner, now there,” Sanzo says dismissively and Hakuryuu answers with an enthusiastic ‘kyuu’. He likes when people underestimate the smallest member of their group, it normally gets them killed.

When Sanzo turns his attention back to Hakkai, the healer is now quiet but still passed out. He walks over and tries to revive him once again.

*******Saiyuki*******

Hakkai lies on the floor, body trembling from the abuse he just suffered at Cho Gonou’s hands. Every part of him hurt, from his head to his toes and the laceration all over his body burns like a branding iron. His throat is hoarse from screaming and his eyes blur for a few seconds from the pain. Hours upon hours of mind numbing pain.

There is also blinding pain searing from where he was penetrated, where Gonou stretched longer and wider until he felt he was about to be literally torn in two. He could feel the metaphysical blood trailing down his legs from that particular little session. Gonou said he deserves it for using sex with Sanzo to forget Kanan, like he ever could forget her.

Sanzo had always cautioned him about self pitying whenever he was in a depressing mood, now he could see why. It’s not like he doesn’t know he’s doing this to himself, he just doesn’t know how to stop it. His transgressions are all his own.

Cho Gonou circles him like a prey, feet tapping loudly on imaginary hardwood floor.

“You should hurt; you should die so I can take my rightful place in your body, Cho Hakkai.”

Hakkai flinches when elongated, sharp fingernails rakes over his jaw, down his neck, circles until its tracing welts down his back. Here, Gonou is the one able to become youkai and he licks the blood from his fingertips slowly.

Suddenly, Gonou’s look goes from raging anger to exasperation and Hakkai waits for the inevitable. Maybe Gonou is ready to kill him.

“I just want you to understand...”

And this time Gonou sounds—no, he feels defeated. “The deeper you fall for him...the deeper I fall too...”

“...up!”

“Wake up!”

Hakkai opens bleary eyes to see Sanzo, face marred with a frown—and was that worry? -- looking down on him. He coughs before sitting up slowly, the mental pain still present even if he was physically alright. He clutches his stomach as bile threatens to rise.

“What the hell were you dreaming about anyway?”

Sanzo is obviously worried and Hakkai laughs lightly, trying to brush it off. “Nothing I couldn’t handle, Sanzo, thank you for your concern.”

Sanzo’s frown deepened. “Bullshit, you were...”

“Sanzo! Sanzo, we couldn’t find the...!”

Goku and Gojyo emerge from the tree line and Sanzo stands up, frown deepening at the presence of the other two.

“Hakkai! You’re alright!” Goku squeals before running over to the healer and pawing him senseless.

“I’m alright, Goku, I promise,” Hakkai laughs and Sanzo knows that’s a lie.

Gojyo, with a relieved look on his face walks over. He nods his head at Hakuryuu, who sits lazily reclined against a rock with his stomach protruding and looking like he was about to fall asleep. “I see you fed the dragon.”

“He fed himself,” Sanzo snarls. He shares a look with Hakkai before walking off.

Gojyo looks bewildered. “What the hell’s stuck up his ass?”

Hakkai looks at Sanzo’s back as he disappears behind the trees. He wonders if he said anything while he was dreaming and Sanzo heard.

But no matter what happens, Hakkai knows that Gonou will never forgive him for moving on and he suppose if he was in Gonou’s shoes, he would have felt the same way.


End file.
